lyssalovescookies:

flailmorpho:

wastelandbabe:

lowbutt:

MY SCIENCE TEACHER CAUGHT THE TABLE ON FIRE AND HES JUST STARING AT IT

I LOVE SCIENCE TEACHERS

I’M SORRY BUT HOW BADLY DID HE FUCK UP READING HIS CALIPER?


#my environmental science teacher was demonstrating how pumice can float#so she just went around the room dropping them into people’s water bottles#but one of them didn’t float#so then she lit a match and dropped it into the bottle#and it blew up#that’s how we found out that the kid was drinking alcohol at school x

mewsoleum:

ways people have tried to pronounce panini at work within the last 2 weeks:

  • panny
  • panuni
  • penne
  • paninny
  • panina
  • pnnnnnn
  • panty

chipotle:

  • chipotel
  • chipootle
  • chipotly
  • chernobyl
  • chepot
  • chepoodle
  • chipsodle

kenobi-wan-obi:

typing hood morning instead of good morning

lovelixst:

rivendellcustomersupport:

this was designed for very young children and i am not a young child i am a 260 pound man

how did you get in there.

tangarang:

dan-mcneely:

okay so the other day i was walking downtown with my friend and a guy came up and asked for 50 cents to get a bus ticket. I said sure and started looking through my bag for my wallet and he just kept asking even though i had said yes, bartering with something in his hand.  

"i just need 50 cents. for a ticket. just 50 cents for a tic-here. i’ll sell you this for it. its my good luck charm. i’ll sell it to you for fifty cents!"
"dude its fine i got you covered you don’t gotta do that"
"no, I want to. im selling this to you. its lucky."
"im just trying to find quarters man no biggie!"
"i am selling you this. i want you to have it. it means a lot to me"

the second i handed him the quarters he pressed this into my hand and walked away very quickly, calling over his shoulder how it was mine now and how important it was. it’s solid metal and ways at last five fucking pounds.
im about 100% certain it’s fucking cursed and he could only get rid of it by selling it so if i vanish out of nowhere that would be why.

aria getting cursed ass fuckin satan relics and youve only been in portland for like a month slow down.

tangarang:

dan-mcneely:

okay so the other day i was walking downtown with my friend and a guy came up and asked for 50 cents to get a bus ticket. I said sure and started looking through my bag for my wallet and he just kept asking even though i had said yes, bartering with something in his hand.  

"i just need 50 cents. for a ticket. just 50 cents for a tic-here. i’ll sell you this for it. its my good luck charm. i’ll sell it to you for fifty cents!"

"dude its fine i got you covered you don’t gotta do that"

"no, I want to. im selling this to you. its lucky."

"im just trying to find quarters man no biggie!"

"i am selling you this. i want you to have it. it means a lot to me"

the second i handed him the quarters he pressed this into my hand and walked away very quickly, calling over his shoulder how it was mine now and how important it was. it’s solid metal and ways at last five fucking pounds.

im about 100% certain it’s fucking cursed and he could only get rid of it by selling it so if i vanish out of nowhere that would be why.

aria getting cursed ass fuckin satan relics and youve only been in portland for like a month slow down.

trisarahdactyl:

michaelceratops:

osointricate:

I wonder what President Lincoln would think about there being a movie about him killing vampires. 

“whats a movie”

#’fuck you im not going into another theater’

instahot:

you know that quiet girl in class?

yeah she goes home and makes fun of you all on tumblr

psiioniic:

lifes too short to pretend to hate pop music

fraternityboy:

why is “in cahoots with” not a relationship option on facebook

jesspinkman:

being a pessimist is great i’m always either right or pleasantly surprised 

#the optimistic look on pessimism  

revolucianado:

revolucianado:

tryin to clean my house and listen to Beyonce at the same time

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I didn’t almost break my neck for 4 notes you fuckers

sherrocked:

My dad just yelled “I SWEAR I’LL CUT OFF WHAT’S LEFT OF YOUR DICK IF YOU FUCKING TOUCH MY COKE DON’T YOU DARE” and I came in the room like what the fuck and it was my dad holding up a shoe and my cat sitting by a glass of coca-cola with his paw almost touching inside of it and both of them didn’t even break eye contact with each other
I’m so done with my life